Publisert av: For the Little Prince - Per | mars 13, 2008

*Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test *

___________________________________________

Sleep Disorders: Check out www.About.com
___________________________________________

www.parknicollet.com/methodist/sleep/

____________________________________________

The following Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test is NOT

affiliated with www.parknicollet.com/methodist/sleep/

___________________________________________

Do It Yourself Sleep Disorder Test-Humor Category
______________________________________________

Let’s get started.

So- you think you have a sleep disorder.

Well, you probably thought that you need to go to the doctor

to get a final diagnosis. Well, you are WRONG! (see disclaimer)

_____________________________________________

First: You need to get married. That’s a must.

You can NOT get an accurate sleep diagnosis unless you have

been married. If you have been married and are currently

divorced, then you are still o.k. Get out your phone book and

give ’em a call. Calling five or more of your ex-wives or

ex-husbands will give you the most accurate diagnosis.

_____________________________________________

Being divorced, gives you an additional 425 points on your

diagnosis form as you diagnose your sleep disorder.

The points add up quickly.

_____________________________________________

Second: You need to have a sleep diary.

Write down when you sleep, and when you don’t sleep. That’s

all. But, don’t stay up all night doing that either.

___________________________________________

2 hours of interrupted sleep = 20 points

3 hours of interrupted sleep = 30 points

30 hours of interrupted sleep = 300 points

_____________________________________________

Third: Have your employer sit in a chair in front of your

desk. You score 50 points when ever you nod off. _____________________________________________

Here’s the short list:

If you nod off, you get 50 points.

If you nod off during phone calls, you get 75 points.

If you nod off during job reviews, you get 100 points.

If you nod off while operating the microwave in the staff room,

you get 125 points.

If you nod off when your spouse or ex-wife calls, you get 150

points.

If you act out your dreams when you are nodding off, you

get your own video on www.YouTube.com and 250 points.

_____________________________________________

A form for documenting your ‘nodding off’ is available.

_____________________________________________

Ask for The Nod Off At Work Form.

_____________________________________________

A video recorder is another useful device while completing this

procedure but, it is optional.

_____________________________________________

Fourth: Call your spouse or your ex-husband and/or your

ex-wife, and ask them a few questions.

___________________________________________

The Call Your Spouse Form is also available.

_____________________________________________

Know how long that you have been married and for how long.

_____________________________________________

Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?

Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?

Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?

Who? ………………………………………………..How Long?

Who? ………………………………………………..How Long?

_____________________________________________

Total # of spouses_____ Sum Total Hours of Marriage____

_____________________________________________

Note:

One year equals ____________hours. I am working on this.

_____________________________________________

Sixth months equals 200 points on your sleep disorder test.

One year equals 100 points on your sleep disorder test.

25 years equals 25 points on your sleep disorder test

50 years equals 1 point on your sleep disorder test.

_______________________________________________

The most important question to ask your spouse is:

_____________________________________________

How much sleep have you gotten in the

last____________years, honey?

_____________________________________________

Who? Enter spouse’s name How many minutes?___

Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___

Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___

Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___

Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___

________________________________________________

Bonus Points:

________________________________________________

If they slam the phone down on you, you get an additional

50 points on the Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test.

_____________________________________________

If they didn’t slam down the phone on you, give yourself

1 point on the Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test.

____________________________________________

Fifth: Take a bus to South Dakota or Missouri. Rent a car.

Go to a field with a Do Not Trespass sign on it.

_____________________________________________

The difference between renting a luxury car or a Beetle

is not going to be important. Go on to the next section.

_____________________________________________

Sixth: Find a field approach. Is your cell phone charged up?

_____________________________________________

See About.com to answer the question:

_____________________________________________

What is a field approach?

_____________________________________________

Seventh: Write down the numbers on your odometer, and

turn your cell phone on. Did you pay your cell phone bill?

___________________________________________

Eighth: Get your keys in hand, get in your car, start the

car, shift it into first gear, apply the gas and go. Is your gas

gauge on EMPTY?

_____________________________________________

Ninth: If you reach a muddy spot in the field road; just

floor it!

_____________________________________________

If your rental vehicle is covered with mud, take

pictures. You can post those pictures on: http://www.flickr.com

You’ll get a lot of hits, and the rental car agency will get

a lot of advertising.

_____________________________________________

Tenth: When you wake up from your nap in the middle of

NOWHERE, U.S.A., document the number on your odometer,

and call your spouse or your ex-spouse or who ever

will come and help you find your way back home.

_____________________________________________

Now, call your regional sleep disorders clinic, and THEN you

can score this difficult procedure.

_____________________________________________

Here is a handy guide for scoring this difficult procedure:

_____________________________________________

One mile= 100 points

Two miles=90 points

Three miles=80 points

Four miles= 70 points

Five miles= 60 points

Six miles=50 points

Seven miles=40 points

Eight miles=30 points

Nine miles=20 points

Ten miles=10 points

____________________________________________

Subtract the number on your odometer from the number

you started with. Point B – Point A = Number of miles

_____________________________________________

90 miles=0 points You qualify for another test.

______________________________________________

To the 90 Miles Club: Please take your Hazardous Materials

Test as soon as possible (What were you thinking??????????)

_____________________________________________

I hope that you get the picture.

______________________________________________

I am hurriedly mustering up all of the proper forms.

_____________________________________________

Should you want an OFFICIAL SLEEP DISORDER diagnosis,

seriously, know that it could take up to six weeks to get into

a sleep disorders clinic. It is well worth the trip. A sleep test

is probably one of the most relaxing, incredibly enjoyable

medical procedures that you will ever have. Be sure to advise

the technicians to REMOVE ANY MIRRORS in your room.

_____________________________________________

You will sleep better NOT KNOWING that you look like

Herman Munster from the Adam’s Family. Visions of

Frankenstein will interfere with the polysomnogram readings.

______________________________________________

I could say something funny about the C-PAP machines,

specifically the mask, however, it is very important to

know that you will look better with a C-PAP mask on your

face now than you’ll ever look with a C-PAP mask on at your

funeral.

_____________________________________________

Mask it or Casket? Which do you choose?

______________________________________________

Logo approved by your local funeral home.

_______________________________________________

Sweet Dreams,

Sandy S. Zoo

Advertisements

Responses

  1. […] https://cottoncandycloud.wordpress.com/2008/03/13/do-it-yourself-sleep-disorder-test-draft/www.cottoncandycloud.wordpress.com […]


Legg igjen en kommentar

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com-logo

Du kommenterer med bruk av din WordPress.com konto. Logg ut / Endre )

Twitter picture

Du kommenterer med bruk av din Twitter konto. Logg ut / Endre )

Facebookbilde

Du kommenterer med bruk av din Facebook konto. Logg ut / Endre )

Google+ photo

Du kommenterer med bruk av din Google+ konto. Logg ut / Endre )

Kobler til %s

Kategorier

%d bloggers like this: