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Sleep Disorders: Check out www.About.com
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www.parknicollet.com/methodist/sleep/
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The following Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test is NOT
affiliated with www.parknicollet.com/methodist/sleep/
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Do It Yourself Sleep Disorder Test-Humor Category
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Let’s get started.
So- you think you have a sleep disorder.
Well, you probably thought that you need to go to the doctor
to get a final diagnosis. Well, you are WRONG! (see disclaimer)
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First: You need to get married. That’s a must.
You can NOT get an accurate sleep diagnosis unless you have
been married. If you have been married and are currently
divorced, then you are still o.k. Get out your phone book and
give ‘em a call. Calling five or more of your ex-wives or
ex-husbands will give you the most accurate diagnosis.
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Being divorced, gives you an additional 425 points on your
diagnosis form as you diagnose your sleep disorder.
The points add up quickly.
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Second: You need to have a sleep diary.
Write down when you sleep, and when you don’t sleep. That’s
all. But, don’t stay up all night doing that either.
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2 hours of interrupted sleep = 20 points
3 hours of interrupted sleep = 30 points
30 hours of interrupted sleep = 300 points
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Third: Have your employer sit in a chair in front of your
desk. You score 50 points when ever you nod off. _____________________________________________
Here’s the short list:
If you nod off, you get 50 points.
If you nod off during phone calls, you get 75 points.
If you nod off during job reviews, you get 100 points.
If you nod off while operating the microwave in the staff room,
you get 125 points.
If you nod off when your spouse or ex-wife calls, you get 150
points.
If you act out your dreams when you are nodding off, you
get your own video on www.YouTube.com and 250 points.
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A form for documenting your ‘nodding off’ is available.
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Ask for The Nod Off At Work Form.
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A video recorder is another useful device while completing this
procedure but, it is optional.
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Fourth: Call your spouse or your ex-husband and/or your
ex-wife, and ask them a few questions.
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The Call Your Spouse Form is also available.
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Know how long that you have been married and for how long.
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Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?
Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?
Who? ……………………………………………….How Long?
Who? ………………………………………………..How Long?
Who? ………………………………………………..How Long?
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Total # of spouses_____ Sum Total Hours of Marriage____
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Note:
One year equals ____________hours. I am working on this.
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Sixth months equals 200 points on your sleep disorder test.
One year equals 100 points on your sleep disorder test.
25 years equals 25 points on your sleep disorder test
50 years equals 1 point on your sleep disorder test.
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The most important question to ask your spouse is:
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How much sleep have you gotten in the
last____________years, honey?
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Who? Enter spouse’s name How many minutes?___
Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___
Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___
Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___
Who? ………………………………..How many minutes?___
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Bonus Points:
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If they slam the phone down on you, you get an additional
50 points on the Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test.
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If they didn’t slam down the phone on you, give yourself
1 point on the Do-It-Yourself Sleep Disorder Test.
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Fifth: Take a bus to South Dakota or Missouri. Rent a car.
Go to a field with a Do Not Trespass sign on it.
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The difference between renting a luxury car or a Beetle
is not going to be important. Go on to the next section.
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Sixth: Find a field approach. Is your cell phone charged up?
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See About.com to answer the question:
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What is a field approach?
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Seventh: Write down the numbers on your odometer, and
turn your cell phone on. Did you pay your cell phone bill?
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Eighth: Get your keys in hand, get in your car, start the
car, shift it into first gear, apply the gas and go. Is your gas
gauge on EMPTY?
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Ninth: If you reach a muddy spot in the field road; just
floor it!
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If your rental vehicle is covered with mud, take
pictures. You can post those pictures on: www.flickr.com
You’ll get a lot of hits, and the rental car agency will get
a lot of advertising.
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Tenth: When you wake up from your nap in the middle of
NOWHERE, U.S.A., document the number on your odometer,
and call your spouse or your ex-spouse or who ever
will come and help you find your way back home.
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Now, call your regional sleep disorders clinic, and THEN you
can score this difficult procedure.
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Here is a handy guide for scoring this difficult procedure:
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One mile= 100 points
Two miles=90 points
Three miles=80 points
Four miles= 70 points
Five miles= 60 points
Six miles=50 points
Seven miles=40 points
Eight miles=30 points
Nine miles=20 points
Ten miles=10 points
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Subtract the number on your odometer from the number
you started with. Point B - Point A = Number of miles
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90 miles=0 points You qualify for another test.
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To the 90 Miles Club: Please take your Hazardous Materials
Test as soon as possible (What were you thinking??????????)
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I hope that you get the picture.
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I am hurriedly mustering up all of the proper forms.
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Should you want an OFFICIAL SLEEP DISORDER diagnosis,
seriously, know that it could take up to six weeks to get into
a sleep disorders clinic. It is well worth the trip. A sleep test
is probably one of the most relaxing, incredibly enjoyable
medical procedures that you will ever have. Be sure to advise
the technicians to REMOVE ANY MIRRORS in your room.
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You will sleep better NOT KNOWING that you look like
Herman Munster from the Adam’s Family. Visions of
Frankenstein will interfere with the polysomnogram readings.
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I could say something funny about the C-PAP machines,
specifically the mask, however, it is very important to
know that you will look better with a C-PAP mask on your
face now than you’ll ever look with a C-PAP mask on at your
funeral.
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Mask it or Casket? Which do you choose?
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Logo approved by your local funeral home.
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Sweet Dreams,
Sandy S. Zoo